July 2008
4 posts
Liam: Ay B, Am I supposed to use been or being?
Failure to comply may result in the matter been returned to court.
Me: being.
or you could say the may result in the matter returning to court.
Liam: Thank you my linguistically superior sibling.
Trying to decide which sounds more menacing…
Maybe I should try failure to comply will result in your marriage to Brittany Spears.
Me: failure to comply will result in testicular retrieval surgery
Liam: Failure to comply will result in the making of a sequel to Titanic
Me: Titanic 2: Alien Vs Iceburg
Liam: Titanic 2: The Hindenburg Disaster. Two lovers meet on the infamous voyage of the giant airship. She is a wealthy heiress engaged to a skin head Nazi. He is a pot smoking homeless git, who only stumbled on board when he thought the airship was a giant cup cake. The two meet and when sparks fly it ignites the giant gas filled balloon, causing an exploding fireball killing several people and startling a nearby rabbit. Of course the skin headed Nazi survives and becomes a transvestite dancer, touring the world putting on major productions of Cats, Chicago and everyone’s favourite transvestite musical, Where In Time Is Carmen Santiago’s Fashion Sense.
Me: Have you been smoking crack again?
Liam: Luke Kevin and I went jogging this morning and I think its carried on from then.
I though my film summary was amusing.
Me: I nearly fell off my chair it was so amusing.
Liam: I am glad my office is pretty much empty today cos people are usually scared of the guy that sits in the corner and grins to himself
Me: Titanic 3: Revenge of the Iceberg - After receiving much bad press for sinking the unsinkable Titanic, the iceburg spirals out of control and becomes addicted to ice. The iceburg then goes on a homicidal rampage through the American midwest killing 37 sheep and a goat before finally being melted by the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters in a final shootout in Las Vegas. The icebergs remains are collected and used to make a cocktail for Pamela Anderson's eighth wedding.
Liam: Do you sometimes think that there is something wrong with us?
Mum: Yeah, the cat's decided she's madly in love with your brother. She follows him around everywhere.
Me: I told you the cat was stupid.
Dad (in background): Fuck!
Me: Hey Mum, Dad said fuck!
Mum: Oh dear I think Hawthorn is losing again.
Me: I said something similar when I was at the footy today.
Mum: Well that's not very good.
Me: Actually, I said "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU STUPID FUCKING MORON!" The umpire totally deserved it.
Mum: It's half time, I'll put your dad on. Hopefully he'll stop swearing.
Me: Don't worry about it, it's how Williamsons communicate.
Dad: Fuck!
Me: Fuck?
Dad: Fuck!
Me: Fuck fuck fuckity fuck
Dad: Fuck fuck fuckity fuck indeed
Me: See I told her this is how Williamsons communicate.
Dad: How was the footy?
Me: I ran into your nephew, he was in some of his finest form.
Dad: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah. He walked into the pub, yelled "I've been coming here since I was two years old and this is the greatest day of my life!" Then he started singing Cheap Wine by Cold Chisel.
Dad: (laughs)
(Siren sounds in the background)
Dad: Gotta go, third quarters starting
Me: OK. Remember: swearing makes God cry.
Dad: (watching the TV and not listening) FUCK!!!
Me: (laughs too hard to say anything)
I love this song so much!
tuneage:
Velvet...
Me: Have you ever considered how funny it would be to meet a zombie midget?
Liam: Ever thought how funny it would be to BE a zombie midget?
Me: I dunno, ask mini-me.....I'm pretty sure he's a zombie midget
Liam: I would love to be a zombie, mindless, dopey, stumbling around…….oh wait...
Me: Didn't I see you in 28 Days Later?
Liam: That was my biography
Me: Your biography was about zombies going insane with anger and killing everyone in the world? Because that would make a lot of sense.